 |
| Hahahaha omg you fucked up. |
11.9.12
10.9.12
New Tool Single is 26 Minutes Long
HOLY REALITY FUCKING SHIT:
The first Tool single, "Anocutaneous Reflexum," from their forthcoming TBA album, is reported to clock in at an amazing 26 minutes, 34 seconds, according to an anonymous source close to the band. "This shit is going to knock your socks off," states front-tool Maynard J.K., in a rare rumor confirmation, "inna gota devita" doesn't have anything on this shit." The same source describes the song as "so epic...it's like Beowulf's musical reincarnation."
The band, reportedly capitalizing on the popular sentiement that "the world will end before Tool drops a new album," will stage an unorthodox release on December 22 later this year. The full length album features 6 tracks, and showcases the talent of Mike Kroeger, who replaces bass player Justin Chancellor on the album, after the former bassist was hospitalized from choking on a biscuit.
Tool may be best known for their dark, edgy, hard-hitting singles "Prison Sex," "Stinkfist" and "Cunt Trigger." No official press release has yet been issued. This is far from unusual, however, as Tool has a well known track record for being highly secretive, reclusive shut-ins who are often dicks to their over-zealous fans.
- From putiedami.com
Three questions! Who is tool, and why is Jim such a fucking dick?
The first Tool single, "Anocutaneous Reflexum," from their forthcoming TBA album, is reported to clock in at an amazing 26 minutes, 34 seconds, according to an anonymous source close to the band. "This shit is going to knock your socks off," states front-tool Maynard J.K., in a rare rumor confirmation, "inna gota devita" doesn't have anything on this shit." The same source describes the song as "so epic...it's like Beowulf's musical reincarnation."
The band, reportedly capitalizing on the popular sentiement that "the world will end before Tool drops a new album," will stage an unorthodox release on December 22 later this year. The full length album features 6 tracks, and showcases the talent of Mike Kroeger, who replaces bass player Justin Chancellor on the album, after the former bassist was hospitalized from choking on a biscuit.
Tool may be best known for their dark, edgy, hard-hitting singles "Prison Sex," "Stinkfist" and "Cunt Trigger." No official press release has yet been issued. This is far from unusual, however, as Tool has a well known track record for being highly secretive, reclusive shut-ins who are often dicks to their over-zealous fans.
- From putiedami.com
Three questions! Who is tool, and why is Jim such a fucking dick?
20.8.12
Best show ever!
Dr. Savage
OMG whatup? I fucking love your show bro. "Most Exciting Show" no shit! I love when the show opens with rock music and machine guns, and then like, you sigh, followed by the weight of your apathetic silence. Or like sometimes you're so bored and have nothing to talk about so you read from the newspaper, it gets me amped!!! I like, bounce around the room n'shit, and shadow box, fuck yeah! Maybe do like a kick-flip off the wall! You are like the angry, cynical, overly-critical jewish grandfather that I never had! Except you look like a psychic with fake eyebrows! What's up with that!?
You're the only conservative both man and angry enough to hate other conservatives! WTF not angry enough tho! You are the king conservative and you need to uphold your station by eating lesser conservatives! And then call yourself an independent because all other conservatives hate your ass! Bro I love your books! Never read 'em though, but you talk so fucking much about them on your show it's like I don't have to! Props to the hater so feared he's banned in Britain!!
Bro I love your show so much! It's weird cause it's like I'm almost in love with you! Like one of them gays! Fuck that gay shit though, I'm straight and married with 10 kids and I pay my fucking taxes! Sometimes though the only way I can fall asleep at night is by jacking off to your angry face and fake eyebrows with a thumb up my ass! It's weird bro! It's like I love you or something! How can someone so straight and gayhateful live in SanFran! No seriously call me bro I love you!
Your Bro!
your mother
P.S. I fucking love Rockstar!!
29.4.12
Three Magic Words
You are gay. In my opinion. Do you know what's great about the human mind? It can believe some really stupid shit. Don't believe me? Then go drink the kool-aid.
Newt Gingrich is the biggest cock gobbling closet case of all time. In my opinion. Look, right there, legal bullet proofing. Because each and every meatbag and also dolphins and elephants is/are entitled to their own thoughts, no matter how illogical (Christian) or disgusting (German/Japanese), and also the ability to convey this mental diarrhea, you are not liable through any legal recourse as long as it's what you believe. Mostly.
Isn't belief a great thing? All the employees of Games Workshop have aids. In my opinion. Dude, can't you tell by the way they walk. It's so obvious.
Obama and Putin are in a conspiracy to get my cat pregnant. In my opinion. Don't believe me? Check your Bible, it's in the code retard. Shit.
Also, I don't care what your IQ is, if you bring up your IQ in a casual conversation, you are an idiot.
Do you know what's great. Sleep. Get some. Me too.
Newt Gingrich is the biggest cock gobbling closet case of all time. In my opinion. Look, right there, legal bullet proofing. Because each and every meatbag and also dolphins and elephants is/are entitled to their own thoughts, no matter how illogical (Christian) or disgusting (German/Japanese), and also the ability to convey this mental diarrhea, you are not liable through any legal recourse as long as it's what you believe. Mostly.
Isn't belief a great thing? All the employees of Games Workshop have aids. In my opinion. Dude, can't you tell by the way they walk. It's so obvious.
Obama and Putin are in a conspiracy to get my cat pregnant. In my opinion. Don't believe me? Check your Bible, it's in the code retard. Shit.
Also, I don't care what your IQ is, if you bring up your IQ in a casual conversation, you are an idiot.
Do you know what's great. Sleep. Get some. Me too.
 |
| This dude obviously likes his corn dogs. IMHO. |
23.1.12
Fuck You
It's been so long since your mother's said it, let me say it again:
Suck it.
Life is made up of the little moments. I've been thinking that since I recently witnessed the birth of my tenth child by my fourth baby mama. What, don't judge. I'm 24 and I can do what I want. Just ask my parole officer.
But that got me reminiscing. Maybe you should too. NOW.
Suck it.
Life is made up of the little moments. I've been thinking that since I recently witnessed the birth of my tenth child by my fourth baby mama. What, don't judge. I'm 24 and I can do what I want. Just ask my parole officer.
But that got me reminiscing. Maybe you should too. NOW.
...Remember when...
...You looked at your asshole in the mirror for the first time.
...You were at your uncle's farm, and you asked your mother why the one boy dog was humping the other boy dog. She said they were confused. Then you were confused.
...The first time you punched a kid in the sack cause he called your mother a dirty slut. Then last night when you knocked out that drunk who said your mother made out with his stinkhole while he was watching the News Hour with Jim Lehrer. Then your mother got mad at you, got your dad an ice pack and made you apologize.
P.S. I hate you.
13.9.11
Happy 9/11 Everybody!
Man I love the holiday season. And isn't that what 9/11 is really about, coming together and unity?
Look, it doesn't take me ten fucking years to thank Buddha every goddamn morning that my first major decision of the day isn't a) get cooked or b) jump out the window. You know those chopper rescues in the movies, where a helicopter pulls up close enough for a stranded victim to grab a hold of the landing skids and be whisked away to safety? Yeah, that doesn't happen in real life.
Hindsight is always 20/11, so what have we learned ten years later?
To celebrate 9/11, please email your mother your best 9/11 conspiracy 'theory', ranging from hmm, well, maybe, I guess all the way to off your meds batshit, I don't care, chances are I won't read them anyway and you can go fuck yourself.
 |
| Aww |
Look, it doesn't take me ten fucking years to thank Buddha every goddamn morning that my first major decision of the day isn't a) get cooked or b) jump out the window. You know those chopper rescues in the movies, where a helicopter pulls up close enough for a stranded victim to grab a hold of the landing skids and be whisked away to safety? Yeah, that doesn't happen in real life.
Hindsight is always 20/11, so what have we learned ten years later?
- Mess with America and we will FUCK YOU UP DISPROPORTIONATELY. Bring it on suckers.
- Listen, if you don't want a team of Navy SEALS (i.e., ninjas w/guns and one ninja dog) up your ass in the coolest raid ever, just don't do it.
- If we invaded those shit countries for oil, why the fuck is gas $4/gal.
- WMDs, if you please
To celebrate 9/11, please email your mother your best 9/11 conspiracy 'theory', ranging from hmm, well, maybe, I guess all the way to off your meds batshit, I don't care, chances are I won't read them anyway and you can go fuck yourself.
 |
| If I were a gay, right now I'd have one hell of a b-word. |
25.8.11
Can't...think...of...title...
Because your mother has creativity oozing out of my ass, I thought I'd throw out some advertising slogans pro-boner
Tuna
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| It's like catfood except for people |
Condoms
 |
| The only thing that takes feeling out of sex more is marriage Pita  |
It's the vagina of bread.
Oh yeah stick things in me
Ramen
 |
| If you have a quarter left in your pocket just eat the fucking quarter |
Smoking
 |
| The physical manifestation of your deep-seated fantasy to suck a penis |
6.8.11
22.7.11
Where the blog is at.
A: I fucking hate you all. And I hate July. No, not because stepping outside is like walking into a cast iron stove that your mother's fat bacon-ass fries in, because July is racist and was invented by Hitler. No shit. What? No, not that guy, Juliard, c'est Tzar who invented tossing salad. H-I-T-L-R-E. Subliminal propaganda. Don't believe me? Asshole. July.
Ju-ly. Jew lie. Ba-zing!
What a mother fucking coincidence, July is also Holocaust remembrance month:
You should be ashamed of living in the month of July.
Ju-ly. Jew lie. Ba-zing!
What a mother fucking coincidence, July is also Holocaust remembrance month:
You should be ashamed of living in the month of July.
5.7.11
I need 2 shit
What. Just sayin'. Ug. Urrrgggg. Hm. Wha? Where's the toilet paper...dammit. Hey are we out of toilet paper!? What? No I can't hear you come to the door. I said are we out of tp. Well fuck me. No dirty socks in here either...hey wait, there's a can of film I can use I guess. Weird. Feels like grandma's fingernails. Ok, can't flush it, back in the film can...hey who the fuck are you? How'd you get in here, hey give me that back! Oh shit, Michael Bay, give me back that film! Goddammit, don't you take that! Don't you distribute that under the title Transformers 3!
Zomg j/k n/shit, I fucking loved TF3. Q: why. A: because they destroyed Chicago. That's right, fuck you Chitown, I fucking hate you. Proof!
4. the Ike, the traffic equiv. of a semi-blocked colon w/alternating diarrhea and/or constipation
3. No, I know where Starbucks is, leave me the fuck alone, and no I'm not paying you
4. Bears, the. are you kidding me.
3. Oprah when the fuck are you going to answer my letters and buy me that car
I don't know why TF3 didn't save money and use downtown Detroit as a bombed out shithole post-apocalyptic Chicago. Hint: when renting a hotel in Motown, make sure it isn't the cheapest motel downtown. Despite what the picture shows, come 9pm brothas downstairs is gonna open up shop, hoes 'n drugs, and no you ain't get a discount 'cause you from out'a-town white boy, shiiiit.
While I'm at it, fuck LA. LA is the asshole of the earth, and if you're a piece of shit, chances are you'll surface in LA at some point. Decepticons please come back and destroy LA. NYC, what can I say. Everyone fucking hates New York, but since 9/11, everyone's too scared to say it out loud, but ya'll are thinking it. Double standard, ragheads bring down the towers and its a tragedy, but if it happens in a movie, people pay $12 to see it. A little too real for ya? Btw, don't forget you can tell your mother how much you love me at su_madre@ymail.com. Cheerio!
Zomg j/k n/shit, I fucking loved TF3. Q: why. A: because they destroyed Chicago. That's right, fuck you Chitown, I fucking hate you. Proof!
4. the Ike, the traffic equiv. of a semi-blocked colon w/alternating diarrhea and/or constipation
3. No, I know where Starbucks is, leave me the fuck alone, and no I'm not paying you
4. Bears, the. are you kidding me.
3. Oprah when the fuck are you going to answer my letters and buy me that car
I don't know why TF3 didn't save money and use downtown Detroit as a bombed out shithole post-apocalyptic Chicago. Hint: when renting a hotel in Motown, make sure it isn't the cheapest motel downtown. Despite what the picture shows, come 9pm brothas downstairs is gonna open up shop, hoes 'n drugs, and no you ain't get a discount 'cause you from out'a-town white boy, shiiiit.
While I'm at it, fuck LA. LA is the asshole of the earth, and if you're a piece of shit, chances are you'll surface in LA at some point. Decepticons please come back and destroy LA. NYC, what can I say. Everyone fucking hates New York, but since 9/11, everyone's too scared to say it out loud, but ya'll are thinking it. Double standard, ragheads bring down the towers and its a tragedy, but if it happens in a movie, people pay $12 to see it. A little too real for ya? Btw, don't forget you can tell your mother how much you love me at su_madre@ymail.com. Cheerio!
27.6.11
Put your toys together like a fuckin' man!
40k is inherently the sport of men. So when your little boxes of plastic army guys come in the mail from the toy store, put your shit together RIGHT.
your mother's jewish lawyer: I'm going to stop you right there and insist we put in a disclaimer.
your mother: no shit. is this what i'm paying you $175 an hour for.
ymjl: First, we need to be in a normal sized font.
your mother: uh
ymjl: Second, you need to put it before your little "Instructional."
your mother: why
ymjl: So people can't say, "I only read half the article and didn't see the disclaimer."
your mother: see, i don't know if i'd use the term article. more like mind-to-type-ass-stew
H0-M0: 1(R) GA/Y
ymjl: Third, you need to state explicitly, "Don't try this at home."
your mother: ok, done
ymjl: No, you need to say it.
your mother: This is really starting to detract from shit
ymjl: ...
your mother: "If you are stupid enough to actually do what I say, you deserve anything that happens to you."
ymjl: No, exactly like I said.
your mother: FUCK!
ymjl: I have a conference call in ten minutes.
your mother:
your mother's jewish lawyer: I'm going to stop you right there and insist we put in a disclaimer.
your mother: no shit. is this what i'm paying you $175 an hour for.
ymjl: First, we need to be in a normal sized font.
your mother: uh
ymjl: Second, you need to put it before your little "Instructional."
your mother: why
ymjl: So people can't say, "I only read half the article and didn't see the disclaimer."
your mother: see, i don't know if i'd use the term article. more like mind-to-type-ass-stew
H0-M0: 1(R) GA/Y
ymjl: Third, you need to state explicitly, "Don't try this at home."
your mother: ok, done
ymjl: No, you need to say it.
your mother: This is really starting to detract from shit
ymjl: ...
your mother: "If you are stupid enough to actually do what I say, you deserve anything that happens to you."
ymjl: No, exactly like I said.
your mother: FUCK!
ymjl: I have a conference call in ten minutes.
your mother:
Don't try this at home.
ymjl: There, not so bad.
your mother: i fucking hate you
ymjl: I just preemptively saved you from a $200,000 personal injury liability suit.
your mother: j/k! i love you Farby
ymjl: Don't call me that.
How to put your toys together
like a fuckin' man!
1. Get out your clippers Break out the x-acto knife. Make sure it has a super sharp, new blade on it. Or an old rusty one. Whatever.
2. Gently clip your miniatures from the sprue Use your knife to cut shit out as quick as your can, before the wife nags you to do something or the kids find you holed up in the dark storage room.
3. Use sufficient amounts of hobby glue to stick your miniatures together Like he said. If you get glue on your hands or stick your fingers together, use your x-acto knife to shave the shit off. Don't touch your dick with glue hands. Personal experience.
4. Miniatures can be assembled as standard, or use different parts and your clippers to customize or "convert" your model Do you always do what the man says, tool? Don't read instructions. In fact, if you assembled them like they look on the box, go stand in the corner now.
5. If you need to cut a plastic part, make sure the part is firmly held on a cutting mat, and that your fingers are clear of any knife used. Use light, gradual pressure until a uniform cut is achieved. Hold your shit in one hand to get a good fucking grip, then use the knife to cut it. PRESS HARD and cut TOWARDS YOU, you pussy. Come on, what's the worst that can happen.
6. Assemble your conversion as above, and bask in the fruits of your labor. FUCK! Goddammit, how the fuck did I cut myself. Shit. No, it's ok. Wait. Goddammit, that's deep. Ok, maybe I should go get stitches. Only cause I still need my fingers to use power tools and feel titties.
7. Tell your wife you're going to the ER. Convince her that you're not going to die, and even if you did she'd prolly be better off.
8. Get your shits stitched after applying pressure to your filleted fingers for like two fucking hours while watching "Friends" reruns in the waiting room (omg Joey lol), and sitting right next to some kid coughing his fucking lungs out. Why the shit do doctors think they need Sundays off to golf, Tiger Woods can't stitch this shit, come on already!
9. Wait a week to remove your own stitches with your blood stained, rusty x-acto knife.
10. When the $450 ER bill comes in the mail, throw it to the floor in a swearing fit that will make your 2 year old blush.
11. Resentfully glare at your fingers the rest of your life because they aren't that Chaos Warhound Titan you wanted to get.
11. Resentfully glare at your fingers the rest of your life because they aren't that Chaos Warhound Titan you wanted to get.
 |
| Hahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahah hahahahahahaha fuck you |
24.6.11
This blog sucks and is dumb
I had this dream, right. Your mother was walking around with a giant, inconvenient erection. Boner, if you will. The annoying kind, cause you just keep knocking shit over and 'accidentally' poking grandma with it. But then I woke up. It wasn't me with the boner after all, silly, it was just Dark Eldar Reaper.
 |
| I think I'll paint mine black. |
This blog is fucking stupid. My ratings are starting to slip, and the network is up my ass about it. Time to bring in the side kick. Lady and nerds, my 'bot 'companion,' H0-M0.
 |
| R U input or output? |
I'd call him a droid, but who wants to pay that kind of money. I had this whole elaborate skit thought up, but I'm lazy, so
21.6.11
Apocalyptic car crash > Ryan Dunn
First, I'm sick of ppl coming up to me and saying, "uh, Ryan Dunn? You're supposed to be dead." Just a hypothetical, of course, not saying your mother looks like him or whatever, with his ruggedly handsome good looks and I don't give a shit power beard.
Third, Roger Ebert, grow a fucking face already. Or, better yet, take that shard of mirror and finish cutting yours off a la Hannibal. If I had a choice between face fucking Rebert or jumping off a cliff, there'd be less of me left than Ryan Dunn after my fucking swan dive.
Second, this is all a publicity stunt for his new movie anyway. So when Ryan comes back from the dead to party shit up, I'll be all like, "no kidding."
How the fuck did you think he was going to die. At 90 from natural causes? No, he pulled off the greatest fucking stunt ever. The one that killed him. Keep an eye out cause it just might be in Jackass 4. Fitting as 4 is the number of death in China. Or the number for wontons. idk
WTF you expect this to be funny. Life isn't a joke. Except mine.
Third, Roger Ebert, grow a fucking face already. Or, better yet, take that shard of mirror and finish cutting yours off a la Hannibal. If I had a choice between face fucking Rebert or jumping off a cliff, there'd be less of me left than Ryan Dunn after my fucking swan dive.
Second, this is all a publicity stunt for his new movie anyway. So when Ryan comes back from the dead to party shit up, I'll be all like, "no kidding."
How the fuck did you think he was going to die. At 90 from natural causes? No, he pulled off the greatest fucking stunt ever. The one that killed him. Keep an eye out cause it just might be in Jackass 4. Fitting as 4 is the number of death in China. Or the number for wontons. idk
WTF you expect this to be funny. Life isn't a joke. Except mine.
 |
| Party on, you magnificent son of a bitch |
15.6.11
Slaves to The Darkness!
Breaking News
(from like three months ago)
Hey assholes, the greatest fucking rock band of all time, The Darkness, is reuniting with all original band members for touring and new albums and shit. OMFG! If you don't know who The Darkness is,
1. why
22. if you are British you should be ashamed
r. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
3. why are you reading this
The Darkness is Spinal Tap if Spinal Tap were real. Plus:
(c - x) Justin Hawkin's teeth
x2 frisky muppet feel-up session
667 like five fucking solos in one song
01010 the biker from the Village Ppl plays bass
Go preorder their new album now. What. I don't know what the fuck it's going to be called, just do it. Go down to your local record store if it still exists and tell the hippie at the counter that you intend on buying it after it is written, recorded, produced, engineered, mastered, mass duplicated, and distributed. Or send Apple a shit ton of imails or itexts or whatever.
The Darkness rocks so hard it will make you rock hard. I just had a fucking bandgasm on my desk.
(from like three months ago)
Hey assholes, the greatest fucking rock band of all time, The Darkness, is reuniting with all original band members for touring and new albums and shit. OMFG! If you don't know who The Darkness is,
1. why
22. if you are British you should be ashamed
r. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
3. why are you reading this
 |
| Guess which two are brothers. Trick question. They're all white. |
The Darkness is Spinal Tap if Spinal Tap were real. Plus:
(c - x) Justin Hawkin's teeth
x2 frisky muppet feel-up session
667 like five fucking solos in one song
01010 the biker from the Village Ppl plays bass
Go preorder their new album now. What. I don't know what the fuck it's going to be called, just do it. Go down to your local record store if it still exists and tell the hippie at the counter that you intend on buying it after it is written, recorded, produced, engineered, mastered, mass duplicated, and distributed. Or send Apple a shit ton of imails or itexts or whatever.
The Darkness rocks so hard it will make you rock hard. I just had a fucking bandgasm on my desk.
14.6.11
Auto-complete is Great Wall of China
Quick, what is the least annoying thing ever. When someone finishes your _______. Sentences. Great for lazy fuckers like your mother so that I can conserve mouth-calories. So there's this thing, right, like when you .txt, that magically reads your mind and completes words 'n shit for you. No fucking kidding! And since it's right like 5% of the time, texting only takes like twenty times longer. But how great is a telepathic phone. Quick what am I thinking. B...barely...bl...black...blo...blossom....blow...blowgun... blowj...blowjohn....blowjob. Convenient!
Lolsmg I just found an auto-complete idgit for this stupid fucking blog! Now I don't have to spend three weeks straight slaving over a keyboard for you voracious assholes to read an entry in 40 seconds and chuckle once under your breath. Wait let me turn it on...there. Now I can finally tell y'all how much I h...ave herpes. Fuck all y...emen, this blog is ga...game on Sunday. Gay. This blog is ga...gastric bypass. What. No, fuck this blo...wjob. Blog. F...arm this blowjob. F...uck my gay ass roughly. ???? Oh snap nm it was on passive aggressive gay mode. Wait. Ok. Fuck this bl...ack people. No...nazi. What that doesn't ev...hang every black person @#$%^&*&^%^&^%. Holy shit that is hateful. I can't even print that. Hahaha oh my shit it was on Michael Richards mode. What a lovable goofball.
But seriously, I'd like to discuss the current economic situation while I eat this ham sandwich. One handed typing mode! Despite the 'recession' or 'cesspoolation' and companies posting r...idiculous bulge in my shorts now, wanna see? Um, the average worker takes h...ard cock in your wet pussy juice. Wha, ok, unemployment w...ent down like a Jewish girl who sucks cock. Jews don't usually suck it? ...no. Seems too stereotypical, like black guys don't eat pussy. ...they don't. Ok I didn't know auto-control can just respond. ...I want to take you deeply. What!? Oh shit, Anthony Weiner, I told you to leave me the fuck alone.
You think with a name like Weiner you'd try to avoid sex scandals if only for the jokes it would spawn.
Lolsmg I just found an auto-complete idgit for this stupid fucking blog! Now I don't have to spend three weeks straight slaving over a keyboard for you voracious assholes to read an entry in 40 seconds and chuckle once under your breath. Wait let me turn it on...there. Now I can finally tell y'all how much I h...ave herpes. Fuck all y...emen, this blog is ga...game on Sunday. Gay. This blog is ga...gastric bypass. What. No, fuck this blo...wjob. Blog. F...arm this blowjob. F...uck my gay ass roughly. ???? Oh snap nm it was on passive aggressive gay mode. Wait. Ok. Fuck this bl...ack people. No...nazi. What that doesn't ev...hang every black person @#$%^&*&^%^&^%. Holy shit that is hateful. I can't even print that. Hahaha oh my shit it was on Michael Richards mode. What a lovable goofball.
 |
| "I do not hate n*****s most of the time." |
But seriously, I'd like to discuss the current economic situation while I eat this ham sandwich. One handed typing mode! Despite the 'recession' or 'cesspoolation' and companies posting r...idiculous bulge in my shorts now, wanna see? Um, the average worker takes h...ard cock in your wet pussy juice. Wha, ok, unemployment w...ent down like a Jewish girl who sucks cock. Jews don't usually suck it? ...no. Seems too stereotypical, like black guys don't eat pussy. ...they don't. Ok I didn't know auto-control can just respond. ...I want to take you deeply. What!? Oh shit, Anthony Weiner, I told you to leave me the fuck alone.
 |
| "I did not have actual, sexual relations with that woman. Or that one. Or that one. Which sucks cause all I did was jack it while typing and I still fucking got caught. So yes, some pussy for my trouble would have been nice. Fucking tease" |
You think with a name like Weiner you'd try to avoid sex scandals if only for the jokes it would spawn.
4.6.11
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$%^&*(*&^%$%^&*())(*&^%$#@#$%^&*(*&^%$#
Where has your mother been? No, not down at the local theatre giving buttery dong rubdowns for five bucks a pop. I've found a better way to make money. Writing a screenplay. That's right, I'm gettin' rich, and it better be fuckin' quick. Ok, for all you 'normal' people out there who don't 'play' '40k,' here's a pretty cool picture of my neighbor's dog:
Without further adieu, a scene from my upcoming multi-thousand dollar movie...
In the scary darkness of the unrealistically far future there is only stereotypes and scones...
If you just read that, you owe me five bucks.
 |
| Jinx |
Without further adieu, a scene from my upcoming multi-thousand dollar movie...
In the scary darkness of the unrealistically far future there is only stereotypes and scones...
Deep Strike in Uranus
Staring
Inquisitor Festesio
with servitors
Fuckslave 69
-and-
Auto-suck
(Festesio and entourage walking along anystreet, Imperium)
Festesio:
Hark! You there, peasant, bow before thine Emperor!
Peasant:
But I am no peasant, I am CHAOS LORD!!!
Auto-suck:
Holy Jokaero!
Fuckslave 69:
(in black accent, i.e. blackcent) Massa I done shit mi'self!
Festesio:
Silence knaves. Chaos Lord, pray how did you find me?
Chaos Lord:
I AM PSYKER! NOW WHERE IS THE WOOKIE PLANET!
Festesio:
(pops lightsaber) Space Marine ambush!
(5 Chapters of SMs pop out of hiding and attack)
(Chaos Lord kills them all, and two Avatars, also a Greater Daemon.)
Chaos Lord:
BUT I AM NOT JUST CHAOS LORD,
I AM ALSO NECRON LORD!!! (tears off flesh and is Necron Lord)
Festesio:
Noooooooooooooooo! Twas a tomb world after all!
Emperor Save Us!
Emperor:
Ok.
(Planet blows up and Festesio and entourage are teleported to teh Golden Throne.)
Festesio:
I am very thankful, my Liege.
Emperor:
Show me.
(Festesio gets down on her knees...)
Scene.
If you just read that, you owe me five bucks.
19.5.11
Who the shit is Gary Glitter
 |
| 3000d6 rending social commentary hits |
Or should I say qweero. Heroine? Aunt Hazel's big magic bag of capital H, ride that fucking pony and give that G.man some wings 'n gravy. Shut it, this brave homo had the courage and smooth, smooth balls to do something none of you assholes ever have: use polite but fruity civil protest and questionable assault to draw attention to the fact that Newt Gingrich is a shining, exemplary human being. In fact, don't bring him in the sun 'cause he'll sparkle. Newt Gengis 2012!
Man fuck politics. If I gave a shit about America I'd be all politic, but I don't, so therefore I am. You know what I do give a shit about? Dark Eldar. First, respect son, they are your eldars. Third, these are some sick motherfuckers I can get on board with. I mean, most days I have to repeatedly beat myself in the nuts with a hammer while I masturbate just to feel alive. Pain tokin'! Speaking of...
420
That's the largest this fucking font can go? Kind of anti-climatic. Just like my hunched goblin. Four hundred twenty fuckin' hits when I checked this page son, guess what that means. I don't know I'm asking. Is that a lot of really bored ppl out there, or just one person giving me 420 pity clicks. Why the fuck ain't you been sending me money. Or, jfc, at least some fucking death threats. What am I supposed to read to my kids for a bedtime story. Lolojk reading is for librarians and ppl w/'jobs.'
This blog is lame. Apparently the world ends this weekend so who really gives a fuck. Do you know what your mother will be doing then? No I'm asking. Psykers write in. 40k4Life! Actually I'll prolly just be mowing the lawn. What? Yes dear I'm coming. Shit can I sit for five fucking minutes, God!
17.5.11
Get motivated, lazy
 |
| The one who thinks it can't be done is usually being passed up by someone doing it |
So true. Wait, did I say 'Abortion?" lolsomg, that should be 'Ambition.' No shit, it's real too, at that place your mother "works". Quote fingers! No not that street corner the other one. Except every time my retarded mind sees it out of the corner of my eye I see 'Abortion.' Then I start giggling. Motivational posters are so fucking gay. Not like SanFranal sex gay or Northern Minnesota woodsman lesbian gay. Like dumb gay. Also pc is gay. Stupid shit like motivational posters wouldn't exist in reality if it wasn't for jobs. Q: why did god invent jobs. A: to keep everyone from having orgies all day and killing each other. And aids.
Are jobs really so bad that they have to resort to subliminally overt brainwashing techniques? Yes.
If you were any good at shit, you'd be boss. Zing! Also, you wouldn't have such a receding hairline and wouldn't have sex with a warmed up can of refried beans every night. Put that in your taco, fucker.
Why can't everyone just tell it like it is all the time. When I feed my son, I don't say, "eat your num-nums" I say "here's some gross pureed vegie shit you won't prolly like but you don't know better 'cause you're a baby." That's a lie. I don't have a son. And baby food is fucking delicious. I once ate nothing but baby food and crack cocaine for a year on a dare. I dared myself. That's a lie too. See? Why this ball flappin', twat clappin' perfunctory dancin' like we both don't know what's going on. Just say it like it is.
Maybe if I would have went to collage I would know how to spell college. But then why would I be so bitter. Fuckin' catch 22.
 |
| Your boss thinks he's better than you, and he's right. |
If you were any good at shit, you'd be boss. Zing! Also, you wouldn't have such a receding hairline and wouldn't have sex with a warmed up can of refried beans every night. Put that in your taco, fucker.
Why can't everyone just tell it like it is all the time. When I feed my son, I don't say, "eat your num-nums" I say "here's some gross pureed vegie shit you won't prolly like but you don't know better 'cause you're a baby." That's a lie. I don't have a son. And baby food is fucking delicious. I once ate nothing but baby food and crack cocaine for a year on a dare. I dared myself. That's a lie too. See? Why this ball flappin', twat clappin' perfunctory dancin' like we both don't know what's going on. Just say it like it is.
 |
| Tell your 'rents and/or Uncle Sam thanks for the 60k. The unemployment line is over there, sucker! |
Maybe if I would have went to collage I would know how to spell college. But then why would I be so bitter. Fuckin' catch 22.
You snide, judgemental piece of re-worked treeflesh. Life sucks enough without some pretentious sheet of paper telling me what to do. Or maybe, reverse psykology, I'll tell it to my 'nads
Jobs and posters can both suck my ass. Like I don't have my wife, Buddha, and that little red man sitting on my shoulder to tell me what to do. No, not an Indian midget, you racist/sizist. I think his name is Stan.
 |
| See above |
 |
| Or you're going in the fucking trash along with my youth, my hairline, and last night's refried vagina. |
Jobs and posters can both suck my ass. Like I don't have my wife, Buddha, and that little red man sitting on my shoulder to tell me what to do. No, not an Indian midget, you racist/sizist. I think his name is Stan.
5.5.11
I think I'm turning Tauenese
I know, I know. The big news this week. We got 'em. I got 'em. Tau. I got some Tau. When Japan died in that earthquake and got necrophiled by the media, I thought, man, I should really get to know these guys. So your mother looked into it, and shit, Japan are cool! In respect for Japan, I donated lots of money to their relief fund bought lots of Tau. Man, I love Tau, they're great, and as a concept not a stereotype in the slightest! 40k epiphany!:
I mean, come on, one chapter in a million is black. If that kind of ratio of whites to non-whites existed in reality it would be called Montana.
Tau are so super that I have super non-stereotypical tactics when I play them:
Whatever. I didn't make Tau, I just play them.
Tau=space Asians (or, 'spasians')
Space Marines=Galactic Aryan Supermen
Salamanders=as above, in blackface
Tyranids=Republicans from outer space
I mean, come on, one chapter in a million is black. If that kind of ratio of whites to non-whites existed in reality it would be called Montana.
Tau are so super that I have super non-stereotypical tactics when I play them:
Kamikaze!
Load all my shits into flying cars and
drive them straight into the enemy. Kroot must sit in the back!
Okinawa-Style Hide and Go Seek!
All Tau go ground all time! Great happy fun!
Sepuku!
When I lose to my 10 year old nephew,
whip all my Taus up against the wall in embarrassment and disgust!
Whatever. I didn't make Tau, I just play them.
29.4.11
The nerd disease
The French have syphilis. Americans have 1/4#eritis. Black people have sickle cell. And if born in Africa, just plain bad luck. Nerds are fucking whiners. Every single nerd everywhere. Except you. Q: why the fuck do nerds always gotta contradict. A: mystery. Just to clarify, your mother is not a nerd. Nerds play nerd games cause they like them. I play nerd games cause it makes me look fuckin' badass in a cape. Difference! Actually, mystery solved:
Nerds chase contradictions like a normal man chases pussy. Why else do you think sites exist where nerds jump on each other like rapist dogs trying to rape other dogs. No, not you, man, I'm talking about that asshole that always contradicts you. Like this dicktard:
Contradiction = Nerd Pussy
The act of being right as the result of a contradiction = Nerdgasm
Having other nerds acknowledge your nerdgasm = Priceless
Nerds chase contradictions like a normal man chases pussy. Why else do you think sites exist where nerds jump on each other like rapist dogs trying to rape other dogs. No, not you, man, I'm talking about that asshole that always contradicts you. Like this dicktard:
 |
| BOLS LOLS |
This fucking idiot took it upon himself to interject in an otherwise perfectly eloquent whinefest. You might say he stuck his truth-penis into their argument-vaginas. Also, why does every nerd have to say 'acutally' when they argue. If you ever say actually again go ahead and punch yourself in the dick. Actually, the most fucking annoying thing a nerd can do is one up. Why you always gotta one up a brotha.
 |
| If it looks like a penis and tastes like a penis, your uncle prolly just painted his dick green with white polka dots and a couple of eyes |
But why would your mother want to alienate this dumb site's audience? Answer: Aliens are fucking cool. No one argues with an alien. And no one reads this site. I don't even read this horrible shit. In reality when I write I'm actually jacking it blindfolded with a fist up my ass while banging my head into the keyboard and punching myself in the dick, and by some massive fucking coincidence this shit comes out legible. How's that for ya, George Noory?
Next time a nerd wants to have nerd sex with your nerd pussy and nerdgasm on your avatar, be the bigger man and just lay there and let him.
27.4.11
Fuck Birthers, I'm a Spacer
Which sadly has nothing to do with marijuana. Yes, Obama is American, blah blah, I'm bored already. I'm so over it, and I'm taking this shit hyperdimensional. Quasi-anal. To the next level. OuTeR fUcKiNg SpAcE! Yes, you read me. I am a Spacer. I just copyrighted that too, so Trump omfgstfu and pays me already.
It's not that I don't believe Hizzy O'bizzy is American, I just don't think that his soul is of this planet. As the Constitution clearly states, "...all African Americans, other minorities, and especially women, must be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be of this earth to be prez, and any other shit I decide on later.*" Sure, now we know for 169% certain that Mr. O was vaginally expelled in Hawyi**, but how do we know that an alien soul didn't enter baby O'bizzy's body at some point before or after his placental eviction, thus making him unable to legally be president? Fucking seriously dude.
See, I'm a Scientologist***, so awesome theories like this come naturally to me, and as negatives can never be proven****, and neither can shit that can't be proven, so I am therefore automatically right. Now Christianity, that is 100% provable. Check your bible. Not that version, the other one.
1. Show me your dick. I'm not gay, just c'mon.
2. Prove to me Obama's evil twin did not rape then eat the real Obama in the womb.
3. Also I would like to see Obama's ID and proof of insurance. I'm not racist or profiling, but a black man in a motorcade being willingly protected by white people and one Latino, when does that really happen.
4. If Obama is the reincarnated ghost of Lincoln, you owe me $10 and a sloppy hander.
* Right after the part where it dictates the creation of crack cocaine and inner city slums, "the man," and "keepin' the brothas down" in invisible ink that can only be read by white people
**I'm no Gerald Celente, but I predict a book bomb by Jerome Corsi, and they can both suck it
*** Absolutely 100% not a Scientologist
****Fuck, why is my light off. I mean not on.
It's not that I don't believe Hizzy O'bizzy is American, I just don't think that his soul is of this planet. As the Constitution clearly states, "...all African Americans, other minorities, and especially women, must be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to be of this earth to be prez, and any other shit I decide on later.*" Sure, now we know for 169% certain that Mr. O was vaginally expelled in Hawyi**, but how do we know that an alien soul didn't enter baby O'bizzy's body at some point before or after his placental eviction, thus making him unable to legally be president? Fucking seriously dude.
See, I'm a Scientologist***, so awesome theories like this come naturally to me, and as negatives can never be proven****, and neither can shit that can't be proven, so I am therefore automatically right. Now Christianity, that is 100% provable. Check your bible. Not that version, the other one.
Also, PROVE THIS!
1. Show me your dick. I'm not gay, just c'mon.
2. Prove to me Obama's evil twin did not rape then eat the real Obama in the womb.
3. Also I would like to see Obama's ID and proof of insurance. I'm not racist or profiling, but a black man in a motorcade being willingly protected by white people and one Latino, when does that really happen.
4. If Obama is the reincarnated ghost of Lincoln, you owe me $10 and a sloppy hander.
* Right after the part where it dictates the creation of crack cocaine and inner city slums, "the man," and "keepin' the brothas down" in invisible ink that can only be read by white people
**I'm no Gerald Celente, but I predict a book bomb by Jerome Corsi, and they can both suck it
*** Absolutely 100% not a Scientologist
****Fuck, why is my light off. I mean not on.
22.4.11
Knock knock. Who's there? Least common denominator.
Oh, you mean country music. On the one hand, music is much like art, subjective, and what right do I have to judge another's likes and dislikes. On the other hand, Andy Warhol can suck it and I fucking hate country music. Did I say hate cause I mean love. Freudian tits! Country music is so fresh, and not at all depressing, and I love it!
I could use words like trite and kitsch to describe country, but I won't cause I don't know what they mean. Asinine too. But holy shit, I love the names! George Strait. Now there's a name that when you hear it, you think, man, I bet he's never sucked a cock in his life. Which is ironic cause everyone says he is an asshole. You thought I was gonna say cocksucker. Psych!
But the songs! Every time I hear a song with the phrase 'little bitty,' 'ity bity,' or 'lil' bity,' or some other variation, I'm like, man, there can't possibly be one more country song that hooks with that phrase. Wrong! It's complete and udder cow cunt kicking genius. And it's like listening to my life, in a song. Just like the theme song for country music says. See!?! I was born too! No fucking way! Had some kids! Fuck, didn't mean for that to happen! Gonna grow old and die! Shit, really!? Can't I at least drink some beers, hate fags, and support our troops in the mean time? Yes!
I could use words like trite and kitsch to describe country, but I won't cause I don't know what they mean. Asinine too. But holy shit, I love the names! George Strait. Now there's a name that when you hear it, you think, man, I bet he's never sucked a cock in his life. Which is ironic cause everyone says he is an asshole. You thought I was gonna say cocksucker. Psych!
But the songs! Every time I hear a song with the phrase 'little bitty,' 'ity bity,' or 'lil' bity,' or some other variation, I'm like, man, there can't possibly be one more country song that hooks with that phrase. Wrong! It's complete and udder cow cunt kicking genius. And it's like listening to my life, in a song. Just like the theme song for country music says. See!?! I was born too! No fucking way! Had some kids! Fuck, didn't mean for that to happen! Gonna grow old and die! Shit, really!? Can't I at least drink some beers, hate fags, and support our troops in the mean time? Yes!
FUCK I LOVE COUNTRY!!!
19.4.11
Quit hatin' on myBama fuckers
He makes more money than you. He's the most powerful man in the world. Bitches wanna get wit him. He's black, he's prez, and you can't fucking handle it.
Also, here:
Next time you disagree with Obama, try not to be so racist, asshole.
 |
| I totally stole this pic, but since I typed two words over it you can suck it |
How fucking racist is it that I can type in 'pimp obama' into google pics and get like a hundred different results I can steal from, yet if I type in 'super trombone dog cunt' I get like, one pic that has to do with Obama. Check son, if you don't like Obama, you are racist, plain and simple:
- Don't like ObamaCare------------------------->prolly cause you don't like black people.
- Respectfully disagree with his policies?----------------------->RACIST!
- There's, I don't know, "something about him that rubs you the wrong way?" -------------------------->really, really fucking racist. So racist you should move to Arizona.
Also, here:
 |
| So shuts the fuck up. |
When Obama was elected, he didn't inherit America, he got a fucking turd whipped at his face drive-by. Metaphor! Remember that 'secret note' that GWB gave Obama when he left office? Shit, I got a copy. Read:
Obi-
Burp!!!
Good fuckin' luck!
-Dubs
Next time you disagree with Obama, try not to be so racist, asshole.
13.4.11
The best ass you've ever had
Uh, I've had good ass. Whatever. If you want great ass, you're gonna have to diet. Fuck exercise. I don't mean exercise where you fuck, I mean just don't do it.
Do this shit for like, a week or something*. Then, like some kind of ogre gastro-magick, viola, welcome to the best ass you've ever had. No shit. Graciously sample your own particular bouquet; remember, waft gently, you smelly mother fucker. Bless your roommate or significant other with your glorious swamp hole. Hotbox or dutch oven? Yes please! Get it on video, email it to me, and I will furiously masturbate all over myself. Also, stick your fart-ass over a jar and email it to su_madre@ymail.com, and I will surprise fart-rape my neighbor in the mouth.
* Or just eat at Taco Bell
Breakfast
Spam and eggs, 2 picked eggs on the side. As much whole milk as you can drink.
Lunch
Spam sandwich on sourdough bread with sauerkraut. While you're at it, slather that shit in mayonnaise. And don't fucking call it 'maynis' either or I will digitally punch you in the asshole. Pickled eggs for desert. Chug the milk again.
Supper
(or as the Nazis called it, Dinner)
As above, then drink some beers.
Do this shit for like, a week or something*. Then, like some kind of ogre gastro-magick, viola, welcome to the best ass you've ever had. No shit. Graciously sample your own particular bouquet; remember, waft gently, you smelly mother fucker. Bless your roommate or significant other with your glorious swamp hole. Hotbox or dutch oven? Yes please! Get it on video, email it to me, and I will furiously masturbate all over myself. Also, stick your fart-ass over a jar and email it to su_madre@ymail.com, and I will surprise fart-rape my neighbor in the mouth.
* Or just eat at Taco Bell
7.4.11
Dear Westboro Baptist Church
- "Mary, Your Mother" <su_madre@ymail.com>
- "WBC" <admin@godhatesfags.com>
Fellow Haters
Bravo. I mean, really. No kidding. Everyone these days emphasizes the love aspect of the bible. What? Omni-benevolent my shaven taint. God hates a lot of things, and I think it's finally time someone pointed this out. Fags, yes, that's a given. Gay marriage is disgusting; the thought of two homos loving each other and trying to make a monogamous, lifelong commitment under God or the state makes me want to puke. I mean, come on, hetero marriage is bad enough. Ish. But God also hates so much more! All non-Jews, for example. No shit. Women, not too fond of them. But who is. Other religions. Duh. What else...Esau, but he was just a bastard. But there's also some things that God doesn't hate. Slavery...nice! Gotta get me some slaves. Also genocide. Rape, that's a good one.
But the real reason I'm writing is my dog died, and I want you to protest his funeral 'cause I think he was a homo. I mean, I'm not sure, but there were definitely signs. Like he was really, really friendly. Also he liked to hump on other boy dogs. Gay animals are sooooo unnatural, as in a natural law, Thomas Aquinas sense. I blame my gay god on our government and the liberal media. Oops, did I say god? I meant dog. Dog.
But the really real reason I'm writing is because as a fellow minister of hate, I'd like for you to donate money to my cause! Some of it is in blog form, chalked full of bloggy hate goodness, but I also preach and do sermons multiple times a day, which usually consists of me either screaming out the open window to anyone getting in their cars, or me yelling at my wife. But this shit don't come free, I need money. Especially money tainted by hate. Please email me some right away.
Your Brother in Chris ,
Your Mother
Paul's Church of Satan and Chicken Hut (with drive thru)
P.S. Fuck you.
6.4.11
I want to be a Rockstar too
Advertise on my super blog!
I fricking love Rockstar. It is the best thing since Red Bull. I drink like 2 or 3 cans a day, and man do I get amped! I mean, I'm sooooooooooooooo hooked. It's like some kind of sweet, mediciny drug. I don't care if it gives me chest palpitations or stomach pains, and I don't even care that I haven't taken a healthy crap in like three years, I love it!
I got this blog, right, it's super, and I love it! And I figure, why not take two things that I love and put them together, like some kind of drink-on-webpage love-it half-sandwich. What I'm saying is, I would like for you to pay me. Then I can talk up your awesome energy drink on my super blog, and dudes will all be like, "hey, I should buy some of that crap."
But I will do it all incognito and stuff. Be like, yeah I'll pretend not to like Rockstar like it sucks and is overpriced 'n junk, but with all my incessant name dropping, dudes will all be like, "man, gotta get me some Rockstar." Genius! Except if they think I'm talking about the movie Rock Star or Rockstar Games or even just some rock star, which could prolly get confusing.
Super. Please email me my first check right away.
Love,
Bonus! Don't tell anyone, but I hate the gays and non-whites and everyone, like that one guy. You know who I'm talking about....shhhh!
 | ||
| "Dudes" info@rockstar69.com Thursday, March 31, 2011 11:26 PM |
Dear dudes
I fricking love Rockstar. It is the best thing since Red Bull. I drink like 2 or 3 cans a day, and man do I get amped! I mean, I'm sooooooooooooooo hooked. It's like some kind of sweet, mediciny drug. I don't care if it gives me chest palpitations or stomach pains, and I don't even care that I haven't taken a healthy crap in like three years, I love it!
I got this blog, right, it's super, and I love it! And I figure, why not take two things that I love and put them together, like some kind of drink-on-webpage love-it half-sandwich. What I'm saying is, I would like for you to pay me. Then I can talk up your awesome energy drink on my super blog, and dudes will all be like, "hey, I should buy some of that crap."
But I will do it all incognito and stuff. Be like, yeah I'll pretend not to like Rockstar like it sucks and is overpriced 'n junk, but with all my incessant name dropping, dudes will all be like, "man, gotta get me some Rockstar." Genius! Except if they think I'm talking about the movie Rock Star or Rockstar Games or even just some rock star, which could prolly get confusing.
Super. Please email me my first check right away.
Love,
Your Mother
Bonus! Don't tell anyone, but I hate the gays and non-whites and everyone, like that one guy. You know who I'm talking about....shhhh!
5.4.11
Mr. Trump, pay your mother.
Mr. Trump
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble. Maybe I did, but if so why did you. If you are so fucking rich, why don't you pay me already. Asshole. I can't be the apprentice you wanted. Have him call me.
Eat shit,
Your mother
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